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Recommendation "Mom, what are you screaming so loudly" - turn anger into serenity

Britta Hahn (2010): Mama, what are you screaming so loudly - turning anger into serenity.
Junfermann publishing house. Paderborn.
ISBN 978-3-87387-766-5

“What do parents and children think of when they scream or even hit, although they strive for a loving mutual interaction with nonviolent communication? Involuntary action and feeling accompany people. Reason has little to say. Equal coexistence can succeed if parents cooperate with the involuntary instead of fighting IT. "

Hahn, 10

Angry parents, angry children?

With these words at the beginning, I was fascinated by the book. Yes, why do children scream and rage, although we do Nonviolence preach and I know "everything" about the brain structure with the meaning of the prefrontal cortex. Yes, of course, reason is sometimes switched off and, unfortunately, especially in stressful situations and after two or three attacks of anger mine also says goodbye. So, now I was excited and hoped for serenity after studying this book. Let's see…

“Some parents get angry and react screaming at their children, even with a pat or violent blow, only to regret what they did to them a short time later. Although they love their children and could never have imagined that something like this would happen, IT is there: I love my child, why did I yell at it like that? I don't understand what's gotten into me. Of course I apologized, but I would like to be able to notice beforehand that I am doing something that I don't really want. IT just happens that way. "

Hahn, 12

Now we know that violence is forbidden in all respects and that children have a right to a childhood free of violence. That is so incredibly important, but I also very much appreciate the way the mistakes are dealt with. Because knowing that we can't yell at, humiliate, hurt or hit children is one thing. But what if it happens? How do we deal with it so that it never or never happens again? The responsibility is definitely on our side - always! No matter if our border has been violated, we never have the right to violate our child's as well. If we have a hard time with it, we should go inside and feel, learn, read, talk in order to strengthen ourselves.

At the beginning of the book ...

... the author explains the involuntary and partly unconscious behavior of us adults and how we can transform this behavior into arbitrary. It is about understanding how and why we have learned these involuntary behaviors - whether it be speaking in a certain sharp tone, touching a child more rudely than intended, screaming out in certain situations.

It is so important for healing to understand what happens within us when that happens. If we understand the meaning of these reactions, we can succeed in accompanying ourselves “empathically and appreciatively” if we react involuntarily. The author writes that a younger part of us calls for empathy, the inner child in us needs understanding, right up to consolation.

Moving away from the point of view: "I screamed because despite frequent requests you did not put your shoes on and I am now late for work".
Because that is exactly not the solution to the problem, it just postpones the whole thing.

The author would like to accompany the reader in precisely these moments to react calmly and arbitrarily according to our will. Because she herself made the experience that, despite many advisers on mindfulness and loving care for children, she was unsure whether disciplinary measures would have to be in place for "it to work". Fortunately, this wasn't necessary because she found a way by changing her own reactions.

The brain

Well, to begin with, I promised to know quite a bit about the brain and its structure. The author describes it in a particularly graphic way and with many (permanent) examples. A living version that shows the structure of the brain and the functions of the stem, small and midbrain.

Involuntary reactions

The author uses the example of a hot stove top, from which we quickly pull our hand away to protect ourselves from the heat and from burns. This behavior is therefore desirable and an advantage for us.

But now we have the wish to speak to our child “in a socially acceptable tone” and suddenly shout at them in one situation. This behavior is unwanted and our brain activates an undesirable pattern. Why?

Sometimes will old feelings awake that we could not live out ourselves in our childhood or were allowed to. Our inner child experiences a fit of anger in the adult's body (cf. ibid., 28).

In the following, “triggers”, that is, triggers for involuntary behavior, are explained. Sometimes sentences, signals or feelings that beam the affected person to another time are enough.

“The victim becomes who he was then - helpless and at the mercy. Although he is now safe, he cannot protect himself emotionally. The feelings from then flood him. His body coordination is in the defensive posture from back then. His worldview is also the same as it was back then. "

ibid., 30

Change is possible

I feel a sigh of relief at this heading in the next chapter. It often sounds so easy to follow the steps of the NVC, to go into oneself and to control one's own impulses. Until we are then in exactly this situation, at home in stress and on time to work or alone with a kindergarten group and do not know where our heads are at that moment.

The author reports on how she thinks about her Has broken through the patternto stop screaming or hitting in precisely these stressful situations. She went into acceptance instead of mastering her impulses, but always with the aim of avoiding aggressive actions towards the children. Her impulses decreased, her composure increased.

“If my limbic system started unintentionally, it became increasingly easier for me to see this as an indication that a previous needy side was reminding me of how needs were not being taken into account at the time. I can gratefully accept this advice to this day and make sure that I am old enough today to take care of myself, which I was not able to do as a child because of my age. "

ibid., 32 f.

Five steps to the inner injured child

In the introduction, the steps that partly arise from nonviolent communication are described. These should provide access to the own hurt inner child enable. This reports old unmet needs. It asks for attention that was simply missing in the past. With the help of empathy and the steps outlined, old painful situations can be changed and new connections can be established.

The healing power of empathy

The next step is about the empathy of those involved, which at GFK is constantly swinging back and forth with the aim of achieving balance. This chapter revisits the power of anger, which can arise and break out very quickly. Understanding what is hidden behind the immense anger, sometimes lacking empathy, autonomy and belonging, can help break out of old traps and patterns. The author uses everyday examples and dialogues for illustration. She takes us to do maths problems in a furniture store where the child is unfriendly to the mother in public - situations in which parents are put to the test.

My conclusion

The book is captivating, simple, lively and very practical - without losing its scientific claim. In the recommendation I was only able to give a small glimpse into the wealth of examples and intensity of the content. It makes it very clear that we do not automatically live on an equal footing and in harmony with our gut instinct and our desire for need-oriented relationships alone. Our involuntary feelings and actions often intervene and make this idea of ​​peaceful parenting more difficult. The author shows in a sympathetic way how non-violent communication can be used, but if we fall by the wayside, we lose empathy for ourselves. The helpless and overwhelmed child is now an adult and receives support in solving his problems and for "coping with his misery".

This book is primarily about the role models, the adults, who significantly shape and influence the history of their own children with their stories. It is not about looking for the "mistakes" in the child's behavior, but much more about understanding and feeling the whole whole thing - to meet oneself with empathy and to accept what has been experienced.

A successful book, which the publisher kindly made available to me as an introduction.

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