Why do married women envy single women

Why women don't get one!

Chakka. That just went well again. But really only very close. I almost ended up an old maid. But at almost 33, I jumped at the very, very, very great danger that women of this age are facing. I got another just a little bit before. So you can congratulate me.

Just like I congratulated myself when I was in mirror Read the following: “The lack of partners in Germany has reached a new high. Many singles feel unable to relate, but their problem is the over-large selection - and their self-pity. ”So the all-clear? Is it all just a perceived problem? Oh no! The mirror further: "Only one group has real cause for concern: women in their mid-thirties!"

This is how it looks: Single women in their mid-thirties are the nation's problem children. Something like that is not only in the mirror, but also in the picture, the Süddeutsche Zeitung or the FAZ. If there is one thing that women can rely on, it is this: At ritual intervals of one or two years, the media and people dedicate themselves to the “middle-aged women” who can't get any (and therefore have no children) so-called “trend stories” is always the same: single men are free and have potential. Single women are lonely and have a problem. If you repeat that often enough, the women themselves will end up believing it, and they could actually know better. Ideology trumps reality. Or as the American feminist Susan Faludi put it in her social criticism “Backlash”: trend stories are “modern sermons”.

What can vary is the good advice given in the sermon. A few years ago, "Dating down" was considered the Panacea for the frustrated single woman: Get involved with a man who is inferior to one qua social status! Why shouldn't a manager fall in love with a craftsman either?

But that's yesterday again. Today we are dealing with the diagnosis of “unable to relate”. A whole generation is affected, the so-called “generation incapable of relationships”. These are people who were born around 1980 and are a permanent single. Although there is a slight difference between him and her. If a man complains: "I am simply unable to relate!" - then he usually means his inability to bond with a woman, well yourself to be determined. When a woman complains: "I am simply unable to relate!" Then she usually means her inability to bind a man to her, well him to be determined.

But let's first ask ourselves the reasons single women in their mid-thirties should be concerned. Here is a best-of from the coverage collected over the past five years. First, these women are too old. Second: These women have expectations that are too high. Third, these women have careers. Fourth, these women have a uterus. Fifth, these women have brains.

Let's take a closer look at that.

Point number one: Age. Men over thirty like women younger than themselves. That’s the ideology. According to the mirror-Trend story (title: “Die Sehnsuchenden”) these women are “eight years younger on average.” Source? (Any) a social psychologist. I see. This longing of old men for young women is justified optionally with “nature” (men look for young women in order to guarantee reproduction); with vanity (men grab a 25 year old to polish up their ego); or with self-esteem problems (men seek a little naive to feel superior).

And the reality? Most couples are about the same age, with a slight age difference of one to three years (47 percent). Only six percent of all couples have an age difference of over ten years. Where does this knowledge come from? Not from the mirror, but from the Federal Statistical Office. The development of unmarried couples is interesting: "In almost every fourth relationship, a woman is older than her partner," write the statisticians. Look.

Point number two: The requirements! Women look for a man to look up to. they are loud mirror unwilling to date “down” and thus “victim of a mate selection mechanism that has existed for centuries”. Source? (Any) a social psychologist. And since there are now more highly educated women than men, many of these educated women unfortunately have to go away empty-handed. And these frustrated careerists then say "at some point the sad sentence: 'I am married to my job". "(mirror). So much for the ideology.

And here comes the reality: in fact, most people are married to someone who is equally educated as they are (62 percent). In 29 percent of the couples, the man has a higher educational qualification, in 9 percent the woman. This is also not in any trend story, but in the “Data Report 2016” of the Federal Statistical Office on “Family, Lifestyles and Children”. The data report also registered a trend reversal among couples who do not live the traditional family model - that is, who are not married. Lo and behold: In the case of unmarried men, only 21 percent of men have a higher educational qualification. And at least 14 percent of women. Ascending trend.

Point number three: The career ambitions. She is successful and makes a lot of money. In case of doubt even more than him. Difficult! Very difficult! It gnaws at the male ego, they say. And then the men first become intolerable, then unfaithful - and at some point they are gone. So much for the ideology. And the reality? It does not matter for her “risk of partnerlessness” how steep a woman's career progresses. This is what a sociologist, Jan Eckhard from the University of Heidelberg, discovered. After all, he has evaluated the data of 20,000 men and women from the Socio-Economic Panel (SOEP) of the “German Institute for Economic Research”. The result: an “increasing lack of partners” in Germany. The decisive factor in this life without a partner is, among other things, “whether the women even have their own income.” With a job, the probability that a woman will remain single increases. It increases even more with a full-time job. "Women who work part-time are less likely to have no partners," says Eckhard. “No partner” is the least widespread among economically inactive women.

The sociologist: "Because of the women's own income, the traditional supply function of a relationship loses its importance." This also means that women no longer have to stay with men if they are economically independent. So we are dealing here with a step forward, not a step backward. Viewed in this way, it is not at all surprising that in West and East it is above all women between the ages of twenty and forty who, according to Eckhard, have been particularly unmatched in recent years. So with the daughters of the women's movement.

And what about the men? For them, at least in West Germany, relationships have recently started to increase again at a younger age. So the all-clear? No. Because of all men in their mid-thirties, the “retention rate” has fallen rapidly. So who should be worried here? Obviously the men in their mid-thirties. According to the Federal Statistical Office, more than twice as many German men as women are single (1.4 million men out of 685,000 women).

Point number four: The uterus. Women in their thirties are under general suspicion of screening every man on a binary principle: potential producer / no potential producer. After all, your time window is “shrinking”! What if the next one is “not THE RIGHT ONE again ?!” That’s the ideology. And here comes the reality of maybe not all, but many women: "I have the feeling that at my age I only meet psychos!" A friend recently said that, let's call her Sandra. Sandra is 38 years old. Since the end of their eleven-year relationship, she has been touring the clubs and pubs more often, as she did when she was in her mid-twenties. She is quite happy with that right now. Sandra also says: "Before I have a child with a psycho, I prefer to spend the rest of my life with my friends."

Which brings us to point number five: Women have a brain! And that is exactly what seems to be a major obstacle in the relationship market. Because men like hot bikini models who have nothing on their minds. Just recently a study by the “Warsaw School of Economics” hit the media, which examined exactly that: What do men want - and what do women want? The researchers from Poland asked a whopping 500 people for this, but what the heck… After a speed dating session, the test subjects were asked to indicate whether they would meet their date again and to rate the attractiveness and intelligence of their counterpart on a scale. Result: A woman who the man perceives to be very intelligent has to look extremely good to be asked on a second date. Otherwise your chances will drop rapidly. With women it is the other way around: If they perceive a man as very intelligent, they overlook negative points in terms of appearance. This is what the ideologues claim, not only in Poland.

Let's come to reality: There are plenty of such studies - and the results vary depending on the question and the zeitgeist. Sometimes "Smart is the new sexy!" (Southgerman newspaper with reference to a study by the Berlin Science Center for Social Research). Sometimes "openness and happiness" counts (Jolie with reference to a "wealth of studies" and the "wealth of experience" of the editorial team). And sometimes men want “female women” with “round eyes” and “high cheekbones” (picture with reference to a study by the University of Turku in Finland).

What do we conclude from all this? Much has changed in women's lives over the past 50 years. Very much. Little about the suggestive trend stories and the clichés about the Middle Ages, which are difficult to convey. Very little. And since every woman has the next chance for sex & love in her handbag thanks to the dating app on her smartphone, the pressure has increased: How, you don't have a relationship, not even an affair? Don't you have a tinder ?!

The “social value” of people is tied more strongly than before to whether they are desired due to the almost infinite (and deceptive) selection of potential partners on the Internet, says sociologist Eva Illouz about this “economization of love”. This applies twice to women.

On the other hand, the fact that the lack of relationships is still seen as a flaw among women makes them “very angry”, complained another friend recently, let's call her Renate. Renate is 35 years old. She has a huge circle of friends, has just moved into her first apartment and, as a filmmaker, is a job that many envy. And Renate is single. Since seven years. Of course there was one or the other. Just not the one forever. Which Renate doesn't find that bad at all. “I want to be able to choose,” she says. That was different. "What's wrong with me?", Renate wondered for a long time. Until she realized: That's the wrong question! “How do I want to live? That's what it's about, ”she says today.

For 99 percent of women, the answer to this is determined by gender even before they are born: with husband and children. The fact that women like Renate are satisfied because they like to be alone in the evenings, for example to work on their script in peace, does not appear in the clichés of a fulfilled woman's life. Women like Renate are considered to be “unable to relate”.

"Generation incapable of relationships" is also the name of a current bestseller. Written by a man, read by women. The man's name is Michael Nast. Women don't do particularly well in his episodes about love and life in times of online dating. Neither do men. Only Michael Nast, the lonely cowboy from Berlin, a sensitive understanding of women and a cool buddy who simply never meets the RIGHT ONE, gets away well. Women come to Nast's sold-out readings who are actually really worried that they “won't get any more”. Because they are “too old”, namely 28. And these women in their late 20s hang on the lips of an author in their early 40s who, unlike them, is truly not suspected of being seriously desperate.

But maybe the problem women have is not their so-called inability to have a relationship. Perhaps the problem with women is guys like Michael Nast. They fall for that. Again. And again. And again. Types who simply “don't want to commit”. Because they don't have to (and never have). Tenor: I would love to, but I just can't fall in love. Women then feel sorry for such men. And from there it goes downhill with her pride.

By the way, I am now 36 years old. That means about 15 years of rest before I slip straight into the next lamented risk group: old women who are abandoned by their husbands because of a younger one. Until then: Just don't lose your head. And certainly not the love of life.

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