Have you ever faked feelings?
It has happened countless times.
I have a feeling that once you start it becomes difficult to stop. I also don't know anyone who hasn't done it before - be it to put an end to it prematurely or to make the other person feel good. I'm also good at it: My moans change, I crawl into the sheet and do the famous hollow back - the whole program. I'm a really good actress in bed.
In today's first post of our sex column "with whom or alone”We asked some of you about your own experiences with fake orgasms.
Who makes whom happy?
Theresa *: I can't really remember the times when I pretended. I probably pushed it aside. It must have been about two orgasms in this one relationship. It just hurt too much and I knew everything was too numb down there for anything to stir. I did my best and acted out enjoyment. After that we were both visibly relieved. Actually, that was against my principles. I pretended pleasure, yes. Almost always. But faking an orgasm - that was out of the question for me. Until it came into question.
I am sad about it. About the fact that I didn't have the courage to tell him what and how I like it. I was always just looking for the boys' feelings. Didn't mean to hurt her. Because I had said something before and was then punished with his bad mood. And so I started not to say anything more. After this fake orgasm, I didn't want him to satisfy me anymore. Just wanted him to do his own thing - inside and with me - and that's it.
Today I find that extremely weak of me. The whole relationship - both relationships - were totally toxic and one-sided. My relationship with sex is unfortunately still a bit disturbed, albeit a lot better than it was then. My fear and shame are so deep, my will to satisfy the other person is enormous.
Know nothing & expect a lot
Mika *: I didn't come the first time, of course, but I didn't pretend either. I didn't have an orgasm the second and third times either. And then slowly began to doubt that something was wrong with me. At the time, I didn't know that it was virtually impossible for most women * to have a vaginal orgasm. I also didn't know that I needed more time as a woman, that I had to be completely relaxed and that, above all, my clitoris had to be stimulated. I practically didn't know anything, but that's normal too. I had extremely high expectations of myself, my partner and my orgasm, so that I was getting more and more stressed. And these are really not good prerequisites for this really blatantly beautiful feeling called orgasm.
I wanted to show him that I actually think it's really beautiful. I didn't want him to have bad feelings or worry about me. I hated the feeling of knowing that my partner was actually close to orgasm, but I'm not there yet. I felt like I was standing under a bright spotlight in the middle of a big stage in front of a huge audience. I was so tense inside. And then I preferred to pretend to escape this inner stress.
“Whenever I have pretended to have come again, I immediately ask myself: Did that have to be now?
It is often not the case that I want it to be over quickly. Sometimes I don't really want to “expect” my partner that it will take so long (which is actually quite normal!). Sometimes I want to make my partner feel good by making me climax (wow, a fake climax).
My partner, of course, thought that everything was perfect for me. But it wasn't at all. Our sex life became more and more of a torture for me, an annoying and almost disgusting obligation that I actually didn't really feel like doing. I was touched in places that I didn't like at all and often my head wasn't even there. But I covered all of this in front of my partner. He didn't know anything about it, it was a vicious circle. If I had just talked to him about it, he could have changed things. We should have talked about what we like and what we don't, should have been honest with each other. But I was just too inhibited. Looking back, I think he must have felt it. Sooner or later everyone notices when feelings are just fake or faked. But we were both so young and just didn't know any better.
I only had a real orgasm with him once or twice. I thought that maybe it belonged that way or that it was normal. He almost always came. That was also totally normal for me at the time.
At some point we split up, I had new partners and slowly began to talk more openly about the topic. I thought it was totally stupid that I didn't enjoy sex and I really wanted to change that. What do I like and what do I dislike? What are my preferences? What is sex really about to me and what are just some images in my head that do not correspond to reality at all? It took me a long time to understand that it is okay to talk about the places where I like to be touched, even if that required a tremendous amount of mutual trust.
“What nobody talks about either: Only when I started to try myself out on myself, be it with hands, pillows, sex toys or the shower head, did I notice what I really like and also develop a self-confidence for it, my partner to show what I like and what I don't. "Klara *
Communicate & try out
And then I noticed that I wasn't really interested in orgasm. That wonderfully warm feeling is a nice by-product, of course, but that's not what it should be about. Far too often I have just bluntly worked towards orgasm, but more and more I have found myself that it's just about closeness to one another.
I now talk a lot about sex. Communication is incredibly important. We are interested in what we really like and what we don't. I want my partner to have really good feelings and to feel safe. Expectations, pressure and stress don't belong in bed. We want sex to be something we enjoy doing. We want to laugh and nothing has to be perfect.
Sometimes I still find myself occasionally feeling like I was on the brightly lit stage in front of the large audience. Sometimes I still feel like I have to have an orgasm every time for me to properly call it sex. But sometimes I just don't feel like it. Sometimes I just don't feel like it, but I don't want my partner to feel offended because it's really not his fault. Sometimes I still fake orgasm. Often that doesn't happen anymore, luckily. I've had sex a few times now and just didn't come. It was nice anyway and that's the main thing.
What experiences have you had with the subject of faking an orgasm? Do you feel the same way? What did you change? Let us know in the comments!
* Texts submitted anonymously and names changed by the editors.
Photos from Luka. Editing by Imina.
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