How does vodka taste in root beer?
6 fictional alcoholic beverages & comma; which actually get you drunk
If TV shows and movies have taught us anything it's about drinking I actually think the Don Draper job description is one of "Drinking Your Weight In Bourbon And Smoking A Pack Of Cigarettes Now". And he makes it look so cool! But an old-fashioned one is a time-honored cocktail drunk by the classiest noble people for decades. What about the cocktails that are made entirely for a TV show or movie? Often they are only there because they are important for the plot or because they are so disgusting you just have to laugh at the thought of something poor to drink.
I've decided that poor for you and a few of my favorite TV shows and movies to test out.
# 6. Tootsie Roll:
By and large, the Tootsie Roll is the most well-behaved entry on this list and a great way to make the experiment easier. This cocktail was invented for the season one episode "Slutty Pumpkin" by. Slutty Pumpkin created this drink on Halloween and claims it "tastes like an alcoholic tootsie roll." The boy in me calls for renaming it "Incredibly awesome." The adult man part of me says, "You send me to 'alcoholic'; already I don't even need to hear the rest."
Ted: "Well, we're at the bar and I see you mixing Kahlua and Wurzelbier." A cocktail that she invented herself. "And she called it the tootsie roll because it tasted like an alcoholic tootsie roll."
1 part Kahlua
1 part malt beer
Since there are no official measurements for this drink, I decided to fill my glass with half a Kahlua and half a root beer. Your measurements should be done with the utmost precision.
I don't have actual Kahlua, but I used to have coffee liqueur. It says "imported" on the bottle, so I suppose it's some top shelf stuff. The drink itself delivers the promises of the Slutty Pumpkin; It tastes a lot like a tootsie roll, in fact. If I have a suggestion, it won't go for the joke as I shot you it - do some actual measurement. The first one I made had way too much coffee liqueur and not enough root beer. As soon as I fixed this oversight, the drink was pretty tasty. So much so that I had three more and had to hold the experiment in place while I took a nine hour nap on the floor.
The next evening I took it back.
# 5. Skittle Brew:
I've been working for just as long as my eyes. I just remember the episode "Bart Star" in which Homer first mentioned this drink Apu and thinking, "Yeah, I could come on board with you." Unfortunately, I was only 11 at the time and away from my first alcoholic drink for several days. Since I turned 21, however, something made me completely forget the concept of skittle brewing until now.
Homer: "I'm feelin 'low, Apu. You have that beer that Candy has in the water? You know, Skittlebrau?"
APU: "Such a product doesn't exist, sir! You must have dreamed it."
Homer: "Oh." Well then just gimme a six-pack and a couple of bags of cones. "
My enthusiasm for this drink was not unfounded. I'm a fan of everything the Skittle Brew stands for. I started with a humble pile of cones in the bottom of the jar.
After that I poured just enough beer to cover the candy and gave it a 30 second spin cycle so that I could stock up on the yummy candy melts.
After creating that putrid looking puddle, I have the rest of the beer. The dissolved candy melts mixed with the foam to create a delicious fluffy cloud of beer and candy. I want to find a way to market just the frothy part because it's nice.
When the foam finally settled, I made little fuss about it and took a sip. I honestly should have five of these things, but after the Tootsie Roll fiasco the night before, I did some self-control. Do you know how to be an adult? The cones go very well with the soft taste of the beer, and the two flavors complement each other very well. I can't imagine a beer, this wouldn't go well with, so seriously just start filling your pockets with cones before you go to the bar and you will see what I mean.
Let's get off to a good start. I was really scared that this would be awful. But when current trends have something to say, there's absolutely no way you've got to worry about that.
# 4. Thankstini:
The good thing about 80 percent of being held in a bar is that the chances of you mentioning Hecka's creative cocktails are high. That is the case with the thankstini, a drink created for those who love Thanksgiving but don't feel like paying those outrageous Thanksgiving prices. Barney Stinson invented the thankstini to be an entire Thanksgiving dinner in a glass. It's a very creative cocktail, I have to admit, but other than that, it's also one of the worst things that has ever happened to me.
Barney: "The Thankstini. I invented a fun and new novelty jar. Cranberry juice, potato vodka and a stock cube. Tastes like a turkey dinner."
1 part vodka
2 parts cranberry juice
1 stock cube (chicken)
Vodka cranberries are awesome. I don't care who you are; If you don't like cranberry vodka, you end up drowning in a sea of tails. The thankstini was no exception.
The exception manifested itself in that tiny red cube ass right there. I put a typical vodka cranberry in a shaker and poured over the stock cube.
The drink tasted amazing and that was a problem. There was no conflict involved! If you would like an article about me drinking vodka-cranberries, I recommend you head over to my fan blog. The problem is that a stock cube is essentially like when you ran your chicken broth through an auto-crusher. The dense little cube must be boiled to dissolve in water. Here he was sitting in an ice cold martini glass. So I solved this problem as I solved most of my problems: I started stabbing it with a stick until it finally broke.
So now I had little chunks of poultry floating around and I was ready for a real shot on the thankstini.
And that's when my soul started it fled through my tear ducts. The stock cube almost completely lifts up the rest of the flavors. It tastes like vodka flavored ramen, which sounds like it would be amazing, but in reality is salty, chunky and uncomfortable. I wasn't drunk enough to endure this, so I ended up dumping most of it down the drain and then burning the glass back in a cleansing ritual, just for good measure.
# 3. The old Spanish:
Let me get this out of the way: I hate olives. I hate olives unless they're surrounded by nachos and I have a futuristic laser cannon that disintegrates olives. Combined with wine sounds about as much fun as drinking another thankstini. But when Matthew Broderick makes a fun drink on a popular TV show, sometimes you have to step up and take the challenge. I reluctantly decided to do.
For my old Spanish, I decided on a fine WTF !! Pinot Noir. Something I wasn't expecting was the combination of wine and tonic water is not good. Kind of like a sparkling apple cider with some variety. Even after adding the olives, the focus was on how good this supposedly disgusting drink was. Things were going great with this cocktail ... until I looked down and saw that they had started peeling the olive in the glass.
I also noticed that some of the oil floating on top of the wine / tonic mixture caused me to start tasting the olives alongside the wine / tonic mixture. Still I made it not a terrible drink - at least not as terrible as it anyway just moved halfway through this cocktail before I poured it out and then ate a bar of soap against the olive aftertaste.
It did not work. It made my mouth taste like olive soap.
# 2. Flaming Moe:
Even if you haven't seen the show in 15 years to remember the Flaming Moe. It's the drink that Homer invented that Moe stole and made him famous. The characters in this episode make the drink sound so good that there was no way I couldn't include it on this list. I remember enjoying it, but I don't remember finishing, which is strange because the glass was empty and I had some notes that became less coherent.
Homer: "I wanted to mix the little pieces that were left in each liquor bottle. In my hurry I had grabbed a bottle of the kids cough syrup. I don't know the scientific explanation, but fire did it fine."
Small bits left in your liquor bottles
Children's cough syrup
In my case it was a bit of rum, some SoCo whiskey with lime, tequila and scotch. I mixed them all together in a glass, then added a cap of children's cough syrup.
Like Homer, I also passed the first test: I did not go blind. The drink itself was very good, especially since I was already a fan of these liquors themselves. If I had a suggestion, it would have to add more cough syrup to complement the strong liquor flavor this drink had on. But I couldn't justify adding more medicine to the jar, so I left it the way it was. Now for the fun part. Since I appreciate my eyebrows and a few other parts of my face that could rise in a fireball, I have the proper safety precautions before lighting my drink on fire.
It turned out that I had taken all of these safeguards for nothing. The goddamn thing wouldn't just light. I finally got out from behind my hidey-hole and basically shoved the lighter into the mixture, but to no avail.
The cough syrup must have been flammable because pretty much every bottle I got was 80 proof that it should have been a lot to cause at least a first degree burn.
So I dug through the bar shelves and finally found something that was alcoholic enough to sting. I don't have a huge cloud, but the glass went up on fire.
The flame didn't work like it did on the show; the drink tasted exactly the same, albeit warmer, than it did before I lit it on fire. That was absolutely fine with me, apparently because I had to shoot the whole thing down and passed out without realizing it. When I woke up, I was also hungover. Something about mixing 13 different types of alcohol doesn't agree with me that much. Luckily the last drink on my list was supposed to help with this.
#1. Red eyes:
I cursed my own heart the next morning when I woke up to a very miserable hangover and no one to blame but me and all of you. I was relieved, but when I remembered that my last drink was also known as a hangover. My relief quickly turned to sobbing over the toilet as I remembered what was in it.
Every part of the preparation was a struggle, but I managed to get the ingredients for this enormity together. I poured a little beer into the glass and added the tomato juice.
By the way, these two drinks together create the perfect fragrance for someone who is already about to die from vomit-related injuries. Next I tossed in the Advil and watched it begin to dissolve from the bottom of the glass.
At this point I am hanging by a thread. My stomach wants to come and I don't want to let go. So I add the final ingredient: an egg.
The bartender in the movie didn't mix the drink, so neither did I. I took a long sip and choked down the first sip downstairs. Dreadful. Just terrible taste and feeling. I know raw egg doesn't taste good, but I could absolutely try it and it tasted like remorse. I drank where I could see the yolks, then gave up the rest. It couldn't be helped; in fact I believe it only made things worse. For me this drink essentially opened up all of the good things Tom Cruise gave us and I don't know I can ever forgive him for it.
Any lesson you can take away from this, it's that your parents were right: don't try everything you see on TV. Or you will die.
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