Men do all rituals after death

Place of mourning Düsseldorf

Members of the Intercultural Project Group Mourning Place and other people from the PSZ's environment answered a questionnaire “How do you mourn?” The results illustrate the wide range of expressions of mourning that should be made possible at a place of mourning for people from all over the world.

How do you mourn?

Abdoulaye Amadou, language and cultural mediator in health and social services

Country & Religion: Niger, mostly Islam Dress: Women wear headscarves and subtle clothing. Eat: what is available is eaten. Drink: Mostly non-alcoholic, simple drinks (water). Is there music? No Who is invited: it is not invited, but the death of family members is communicated. They decide for themselves whether they want to come - social control. Is there professional grief counseling? No Is the dead being remembered directly? Yes Texts / prayers: Quoting or pronouncing suras. Who makes which ritual gestures? Family members say prayers for the first three days. Who is allowed to show which feelings? Everyone is allowed to show feelings, but nobody should cry as it is seen as a burden for the dead. Women tend to turn a blind eye. Bring money / gifts? voluntary donations for the family, depending on how wealthy they are (if they have enough money of their own, a donation is an insult). Is earth, fire, water or air / smoke used in a ritual? Earth for burial of the dead. What to do after a funeral? Mourning is carried outwards (mood), no television, no laughing, no loud conversations, gossip, senseless conversations, etc. Reminder / memory after how many days / months: After 3 days a ritual ceremony is held (commemoration of the dead), after 40 days again, then annually, depending on the possibility. Differences men / women? Women do not attend the funeral, they stay home alone; when they express their condolences they are very cautious, keep their distance and crouch down in front of the group of the house (men). In the house (with the women) they don't have to hold back. Differences city / country? There is a longer period of mourning in the cities than in the countryside. In the country some mourning rituals are dispensed with. A death certificate is issued in cities, but hardly at all in the country.

Erol Demir, qualified lawyer, systemic family social therapist

Country & Religion: Kurdistan / Turkey, Alevit Color of mourning: inconsistent, partly black. Dress: mostly mourners determine themselves. Eat Drink: "Helva" at the funeral; On the 40th anniversary of his death, there is a large memorial service with food and non-alcoholic drinks, soup, meat and rice. beverages: mostly alcohol-free, simple (water). Is there music? Lamentations both at the funeral and on the 40th day after death. Who is invited: close relatives and friends take part without being asked. Is there professional grief counseling? No Is the dead being remembered directly? Yes Texts / prayers? it is read from the Koran, now mostly in Turkish. Who makes which ritual gestures? The so-called "Dedes" accompany the ritual ablution and the funeral ceremonies on the 40th anniversary of death: The questions asked include whether the deceased has debts and whether they will be forgiven; Furthermore, the question asked 3 times how they judge the deceased, to which the answer 3 times: we knew him as a good person. Who is allowed to show which feelings? Women cry and sing lamentations; Men usually do not show their grief in public. Bring money / gifts? Tea, sugar and the like; Money is collected so that the burial costs do not burden those affected. Is earth, fire, water or air / smoke used in a ritual? Earth for burial of the dead. What to do after a funeral? The whiskers must not be shaved off, fingernails must not be cut off. Reminder after how many days / months: After 3 days a ceremony is held to commemorate the dead, after 40 days one more time Differences men / women? Basically no differences, men and women alike are allowed to participate in the funeral service. Differences city / country? basically no differences.

Ekta Muthreja, social psychologist / pedagogue (B.A.), diversity trainer

Country & Religion: Afghanistan, Hindu Color of mourning: White Dress: Men don't care, women know. Eat Drink: vegetarian food and definitely something sweet for elderly deceased; with the younger ones there is nothing at all, at most tea and water. Is there music? Only when accompanied by prayers. Who is invited: there are no invitations, only the public verbal announcement. Is there professional grief counseling? No Is the dead being remembered directly? No Texts / prayers? There are special prayers. Who makes which ritual gestures? The priest, if there is one on site, and family members make ritual gestures. Who is allowed to show which feelings? No restrictions. Bring money / gifts? Money from close relatives. Is earth, fire, water or air / smoke used in a ritual? Fire, water and air. What to do after a funeral? There are no celebrations for 40 days. A widow does not go to celebrations for a year. Reminder after how many days / months: after 7 days, then after 40 days, then after a year and then every year. Differences men / women? Women are not allowed in the cemetery.

Fjorda Kalleshi, cand.psych.

Country: Albania Color of mourning: black Dress: Women who belong to the family must wear black clothing. Men don't have to be dressed in black. Shirts in dark colors are ideal. Visitors do not have to appear in black either, but they are also not allowed to wear white or other very light colors. Eat Drink: Coffee, water, brandy for the men. On certain days there are typical sweet pastries (hallva) for deaths. Is there music? There is no music, verses (suras) from the Koran may be sung for the dead. Who is invited: The family and close friends of the family are invited. Is there professional grief counseling? No not more. Texts / prayers? A speech will be given before the funeral. Otherwise, suras from the Koran are sung by the Hoxha. Who makes which ritual gestures? The Hoxha. Who is allowed to show which feelings? The closest family circle and especially the women. Bring money / gifts? No gifts are allowed to be brought, except money for the family, which could now get into financial difficulties due to the death of the relative. Is earth, fire, water or air / smoke used in a ritual? In Albania the dead are buried in the ground. Earth is scattered over the coffin by hand or with a shovel. What to do after a funeral? After the funeral, close family members stand in line and everyone who attended the funeral should shake hands with each family member. After that, those invited to lunch gather in a restaurant and lunch will be eaten. Reminder after how many days / months: The dead are remembered after 3 days, 7 days, 40 days, 6 months and after a year. Differences men / women? Men and women sit in separate rooms at the funeral service in the deceased's apartment. Women who belong to the immediate family must wear black clothes for up to one year. Differences city / country? There is no difference between mourning in the city or in the country.

Ilyas Saydaev, language and cultural mediator in health and social services

Country & Religion: Chechnya. Islam. Color of mourning: Black or dark colors. Dress: Headgear for men and women. Eat Drink: Yes, especially for the people who have come from afar. No alcohol. Is there music? No. Who will be invited? No invitation, voluntary; a must for relatives. Is there professional grief counseling? No Is the dead being remembered directly? There is talk and remembering of the deceased, but there is no ritual. Texts / prayers? Everything from the Koran, an entire prayer is performed, only with the men. Who makes which ritual gestures? The men are separated from the women. Who is allowed to show which feelings? In any case, the men have to be cautious. Women cry loudly. Bring money / gifts? If you wish, you can bring something with you to eat, e.g. cake or sweets or a sheep. Is earth, fire, water or air / smoke used in a ritual? Yes, namely the water as the purification of the corpse. What to do after a funeral? Being reserved is our best quality. Reminder after how many days / months: After 40 days, but there are differences. Differences between men and women: They mourn separately. And women are not allowed in the cemetery at the funeral. Differences between city and country: In a village in Chechnya I once saw that men didn't cry as loudly as women, but they did it very publicly. Otherwise, when you cry, which cannot be ruled out, as a man you try to hide it. I realized later that this is common. It's the only village in Chechnya where I've seen something like this.

Jürgen Rau, qualified pedagogue

Country & Religion: Germany, mostly Christian. Color of mourning: black Dress: covered, held back. Eat Drink: mostly snacks, coffee & cake. Is there music? At Christian funeral service: songs of the mourning community. Otherwise sometimes: favorite piece of the deceased. Who is invited: very different. Sometimes just a small circle, sometimes more, relatives, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, colleagues. Is there professional grief counseling? Yes, funeral talks with pastors before the funeral, funeral seminars, etc. Is the dead being remembered directly? Mourning address, symbols from professional life or other integrations, e.g. club colors. Are there any texts / prayers? There are free opportunities that go beyond the church agenda. Who makes which ritual gestures? Clergyman: Sign of the cross. Mourners: shovel earth with a shovel. Close friends or colleagues are sometimes pallbearers. Who is allowed to show which feelings? Everyone is allowed to cry. More cautious than loud, more women than men. Bring money / gifts? Money is sometimes collected by the mourners, also to cover costs. Otherwise: flowers, arrangements, wreaths. Instead, donations to a charitable organization. Is earth, fire, water or air / smoke used in a ritual? Usually earth, but also water or fire (burial at sea or cremation).What to do after a funeral? After-party, e.g. Sometimes only for invited guests (snack, exchange or speeches possible). Reminder after how much time: Often after 6 weeks and a year (Catholic tradition). Differences men / women? I think traditionally there is greater understanding for widowed men when they band together again soon.

Michael Hoshino, graduate psychologist

country: Japan religion: Buddhism Color of sadness: Black dress: Black kimono or suit. eat: Big meal. Drink: Rice wine (sake). Is there music? No, but Buddhist prayers (Kyo). Who is invited: Relatives, acquaintances and neighborhood. Is there professional grief counseling? Funeral directors and Buddhist monks. Is the dead being remembered directly? Yes Are there any texts / prayers? Prayers: Kyo: ("Nanmaida Nanmmyouhorenngehkyo" ...) Who makes which ritual gestures? Monks make prayers. Who is allowed to show which feelings? Sadness; all, the men less. Bring money / gifts? Yes Is earth, fire, water or air / smoke used in a ritual? smoke Conduct after funeral: Visits to thank. Reminder / memory after how many days / months: after 7 days, 49 days, 2 years, 3 years, 13 years. Differences men / women? No Differences city / country? No

Michel Banzouzi, language and cultural mediator in health and social services

Country & Religion: Congo Brazzaville (Lari, Sundi), Catholic. Color of mourning: Black or common fabric motifs and colors. Linguistically, this is reflected in the same word for black and widowhood: "Ndombi" Dress: same loincloth to distinguish the groups of relatives. Is there music? There is music, and as loud as possible. Silence would make our uncomfortable grief worse. Who is invited: Everyone is invited, relatives, neighbors ... and their presence at the wake is more than welcome. Is there professional grief counseling? Older people are considered professionals, but not professionally. Your companion would not be called that. Is the dead being remembered directly? Much is said and wept about him. Sometimes sayings are made to the deceased with the assumption that he hears it. Are there any texts / prayers? Ancient traditions and Christian religions are mixed up pretty well. What to do after a funeral? Whether the widow / r should mourn is usually decided by the in-laws or in-laws, depending on the current circumstances. Reminder after how much time: different depending on the family. Differences men / women? Men carry the coffin. The washing of the corpse is done by men for the male and women for the female. comment: Most of the differences, e.g. between countries, regions, ethnic groups, etc., result from the contrast between a certain openness and a conservatism. There are more and more possibilities to do something according to tradition / religion or according to a simple trend, or to make a mixture. The decision is made by the oldest and most experienced in a family meeting.

Mounia Moussaoui, Islamic scholar

Country & Religion: Morocco - Islam Color of mourning: White Dress: You are not allowed to wear tight clothes. Eat Drink: Couscous is eaten as a national food. Dates and milk are distributed for the guests. Is there music? No way. Who will be invited? People come by themselves without being invited. They feel obliged to come and help. Is there professional grief counseling? No Is the dead being remembered directly? The scholar prays not only for the deceased but for the dead of the Islamic community. Texts / prayers? Verses from the Koran are read. Special prayers are chanted collectively. Who makes which ritual gestures? The men carry the body. You are responsible for the formality. The men read the verses of the Koran and not the women. Who is allowed to show which feelings? The men are supposed to be strong on this occasion. They don't show any feelings. In contrast, women express their feelings. Bring money / gifts? It is everybody's choice. The women bring dates and bread. Some of them cook for most of the first seven days. There are some women who are responsible for the guests, e.g. B for the reception of the guests. Is earth, fire, water or air / smoke used in a ritual? The earth is a ritual for burial. The deceased is wrapped in a white cloth. The earth is eternal rest. What to do after a funeral? The cemetery is mostly quiet. One must not express a symbol of joy. This grief is an opportunity for you to worry about yourself. Everyone is affected. You also try to correct your behavior and to think about Judgment Day and to take it seriously. Reminder after how many days / months: On the 3rd day, on the 7th day. On the 40th day, people are invited. The Islamic scholar too. He will give a lecture on the meaning of life and death. UDifferent men / women: The women do not attend the funeral day. Differences between city and country: There is more solidarity in the country. The feelings are shown more.

Peter Jeyaratnam, educator, translator / interpreter / cultural mediator

Country & Religion: Sri Lanka, Hindus & Christians. Color of mourning: black Dress: Black (men), white (women). Eat Drink: Vegetarian food, normal drinks, no alcohol. Is there music? There is music to accompany prayers. Who is invited: There are no invitations, only public announcements. Is there professional grief counseling? No Is the dead being remembered directly? Pictures, candles and lamps remind of him. Are there any texts / prayers? There are different ones depending on the religion. Who makes which ritual gestures? The priest and family members make gestures. Who is allowed to show which feelings? There are no restrictions. Bring money / gifts? There are both; Money and mostly groceries. Is earth, fire, water or air / smoke used in a ritual? All four are used. What to do after a funeral? There are no celebrations for 30 days. 3 days count as days of mourning, with the family members neither going to work nor to school. Reminder after how much time: After a week, thirty days, and a year. Then it is remembered every year. Differences men / women? Women in the Hindu community are not allowed to enter the cemetery where the body is cremated.

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