Why is everyone broken once in a lifetime

Only a very tough method can help against a broken heart

Pretty much all of us have been heartbroken at least once in a lifetime.

It doesn't matter if the breakup was amicable or if the relationship ended with a big bang - losing someone who you've shared your life with over a period of time is damned painful.

Whether we want to admit it or not, after a breakup we sometimes make sure that our heart doesn't heal as quickly as it should. We are still attached to the person, cling to the last bit of hope or watch from a distance as they move further and further away from us.

Why do so many of us find it difficult to get over a breakup? The psychologist Guy Winch has treated numerous lovesick patients of all ages in his private practice in his 20 years of professional experience. In a Ted Talk last year, he explained why a breakup hurts so much and what is the only right way to deal with it as quickly as possible.

Love is addicting - and you are on withdrawal

"Studies have shown that withdrawal from romantic love activates the same mechanisms in our brain that are activated when addicts stop using substances like cocaine or opioids," says Winch.

Have you ever wondered why you keep doing things that you know will make you feel worse afterwards? Basically, after your breakup, you go through withdrawal. Your brain needs the drug, in this case your ex-partner's affection, and for that reason it has positive memories of the relationship. This tempts you to check whether your ex has liked a picture on Instagram or made a new friend on Facebook. You're telling yourself that you had a valid reason to do so - but in reality you're just giving in to your addiction.

“That's why it's so difficult to heal a broken heart: Addicts know they are sick. They know when to take their dose. Heartbroken people don't know. "

Heartbreak after the breakup: this really helps

1. Do not look for the reason for the breakup.

Even if there is a simple and rational cause that led to the end of the relationship, we tend to ponder for days, weeks or even months whether there might not have been another reason. “There will be no explanation that will make you feel better. Nothing will take your pain away, ”says Winch.

As hard as it sounds, it's over. One of you made a conscious decision not to be in a relationship. Do yourself a favor and instead of wasting your precious time thinking about what was, focus on what lies ahead.

2. Tries to let go of the ex-partner.

This is the Point that you will read in every guidebook. It will probably seem almost impossible to you right now - but it is still necessary to get rid of your ex-partner.

“Accept that it's over. Otherwise your brain will cling to hope and throw you back, ”said Winch. "Hope can be incredibly destructive when the heart is broken."

3. Don't idealize your ex-partner.

After a breakup, it often happens that looking back we only remember the good moments of the relationship. Right now it is important not to idealize the ex-partner. “That doesn't do us any good, it just makes the loss even more painful,” says the psychologist. "We know that. And yet we allow our head to play one big hit after another as if we were trapped in our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist."

Winch advises remembering bad memories at such moments. Did you have a romantic dinner? Okay, but do you remember how you argued afterwards and didn't talk to each other for days?

Also read: Separation and divorce are not failures, but can indicate a successful relationship, experts say

Make a list of all the things that annoyed you about your partner. The best thing to do is to write down this list on your mobile phone and take it out every time you catch yourself thinking about the "good old days".

4. Fill in the gaps in your life

If the partner leaves, a yawning void remains for the time being. And that needs to be filled - not with a new partner, but with yourself. You now have the chance to work on yourself. Not to please someone else, but to find your way back to yourself. "You have to find these gaps and fill them, everyone," advises Winch. “And I really mean everyone. The gaps in your identity, you have to rebuild who you are, what your goal in life is, fill the gaps in your social life, the missing activities and even the empty spaces on the wall where your pictures were hung. "

But you can only do that if you don't look back any more. Every message you send, every nice shared memory that you call to your mind, every click on your ex's Facebook profile - all dsa throws you back and undoes what you worked so hard for after the breakup.

"Avoid the behaviors that lead to your ex starring in your future when he shouldn't even be a supporting actor anymore."

You can watch Guy Winch's talk here:

This article was published by Business Insider in October 2019. It has now been reviewed and updated.